


Vampire Bites

by The Monster Lady (VisceraNight)



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Implied/Referenced Sex, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-07-12 02:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15986153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/The%20Monster%20Lady
Summary: A collection of reader/Alucard drabbles and oneshots.Title is because they are bite-sized fics. Biting will *not* be the primary focus of this collection.





	1. Picking a Safeword

**Author's Note:**

> None of these drabbles are directly related to each other unless otherwise noted. Some will have the reader as a Hellsing employee, some a random stranger meeting Alucard in the wild, maybe some with reader as a vampire or an Iscariot agent, some where reader's species/employment will not be relevant or mentioned, etc. Some will run more toward fluff, others more toward humor. Might throw in some angst, idek.
> 
> I just need to write something quick, silly, and entirely self-indulgent to help break me out of my writer's block.
> 
> About the M rating: sexual themes, excessive swearing, casual intent to murder, possible other sketchy topics in the future chapters, etc. If you're looking for smut, you won't find it here.

~ Vampire Bites ~

The two of you have decided that it would be best to establish a safeword before taking the physical aspect of your relationship any further. (Not that you expect to be doing anything particularly kinky, just for your own safety, what with the thing where you're a human dating a vampire and the difference in physical strength between the two of you is somewhat of a concern when it comes to certain activities.)

"Have you decided what word you're going to use for the safeword?" Alucard asks.

"Yeah," you reply. "It's 'turgid'."

He just stares at you for a few long moments before inquiring, "Why _that_ word in particular?"

"Because I've read entirely too many bad romance novels and I hate that word. It's the least sexiest word that comes to mind easily."

~oOo~


	2. This Seat Is Clearly Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hellsing employee reader and Alucard are both stubborn idiots. (Humor, ~~spite,~~ and cuddling. No previous romantic relationship between the two.)

~ Vampire Bites ~

You wake up in the middle of the night. At first you're not sure why, then you hear screaming and gunshots.

You're up out of bed with your bathrobe on over your pajamas and your anti-monster weapon at the ready, and have just stepped out your bedroom door when you realize you can hear background music playing. Some asshole is watching a movie in the onsite-staff rec room with the sound cranked up far too high for the middle of night when people are trying to sleep.

 _Well, I already have my weapon out so I might as well murder the fuck out of whatever inconsiderate idiot has the sound up that high this late at night_.

When you enter the room, you're shocked to see that the perpetrator is none other than Hellsing's pet vampire.

Alucard pauses the movie when he sees you standing in the doorway with your weapon drawn.

Without preamble, you snap, "Why do you have the sound up that loud? Don't you have supernatural hearing? How is that not hurting your eardrums? I could hear it all the way down the hall in my room!"

He politely waits until you finish yelling at him, then apologizes for disturbing you and turns the volume down to a more reasonable setting.

"So... what ya watching?" you say awkwardly. You're still standing there with your weapon drawn. You feel like a huge dork and you should probably just go back to bed and not stand here making awkward conversation with the vampire.

He says the name of the movie. It's not one you've heard of.

You stand there awkwardly in silence for a few long moments, before Alucard asks, "Do you want to watch the rest of it with me?"

To which you reply, "There's nowhere to sit."

The vampire is sprawled across the entire length of the couch - which normally seats anywhere between five to eight _entire_ adult people (depending on differences in body size).

"You can sit here," he says, gesturing vaguely toward the far end of the couch.

You walk over and set your weapon down on the coffee table. Alucard remains in the same position.

A long awkward silence stretches as you stand there waiting. Finally you ask him, "Are you going to move your legs?"

"No."

"Then where exactly are you expecting me to sit?"

He raises one eyebrow in response.

The words _I'm not gonna sit on your lap_ rise in your throat, but you swallow them back down. Your second instinct is to tell him _Fine, I didn't want to watch that movie anyway_ and go back to bed, but doing that feels a lot letting the vampire win this little game he started, and you are Not Having That **™**.

Not giving yourself a chance to lose your nerve, you plop yourself down right on top of him. You see Alucard's eyes widen in surprise as your butt lands none-too-gently on his thighs. Then a slow grin spreads over his face as you start to make yourself comfortable, drawing your legs up beside you.

He hits the play button on the remote and gunshots ring out from the sound system's speakers once more.

It only takes a few minutes for your position to start feeling less comfortable. Heedless of the vampire's comfort, you flop stomach-down on Alucard's chest and fold your arms under your head, turning your face toward the TV as you stretch out your legs. You barely have time to wonder if he's upset before he wraps his arms around you and gives a pleased hum as he briefly nuzzles your hair before returning his attention to the TV screen.

You're not that interested in the movie. You have no idea who any of these characters are or what the plot is supposed to be. You really should have just gone back to bed instead of being a stubborn idiot and rising to the vampire's challenge.

Alucard idly rubs small circles between your shoulder blades with one hand. Between that and the conversation onscreen that you can't follow due to missing the first half of the movie, you find yourself hard-pressed to fight off sleep, and give in to the urge, letting your eyes slide closed...

When you wake up, you're curled up like a cat on Alucard's chest, early-morning sunlight is streaming weakly through the curtains, and the vampire is explaining defensively to a very displeased-looking Walter, "She had trouble sleeping."

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol oops, this turned out longer than I meant it to. It was supposed to be ~100 words, but once I started writing, it kind of got away from me ^_^;
> 
> Weapon type and movie title aren't mentioned so everyone can fill in the details themselves.


	3. Can't Believe I Signed Up For An Eternity Of This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Established relationship, Reader and Alucard have been together for quite some time in this one..... and have a child. Humor, family fluff, horror elements. (Alucard is not actually in the chapter, just Reader and the child.)
> 
>  
> 
> **If you don't want to be the mother of a Junior Eldritch Horror, then you might want to skip this chapter.**

~ Vampire Bites ~

"I've defeated monsters a lot stronger than you, so you can just stop fighting now and get this over with," you say to your struggling captive.

"No bath!" the toddler whines, still flailing.

You don't bother arguing that yes even immortal half-vampire children still need to take their baths. Your child is not going to listen to reason on this issue.

You continue on your way down the hall toward the bathroom, but before you get there, your child suddenly slides out of your grip and splats onto the floor. You look down, not at all surprised to see a swirling mess of black tentacles and red plasma with glowing red eyes all over it instead of a human-looking toddler.

"Aww, you look just like your dad when you do that," you say, leaning down to scoop the blob up into your arms. "But that's still not going to get you out of taking a bath!"

The blob lets out an ungodly shriek as you enter the bathroom, the volume increasing the closer you get to the bathtub, which is filled with about an inch of lukewarm water. Upon being placed in the water, your child abruptly turns back into a toddler just to tell you: "Water no."

It is only then that you remember about vampires' weaknesses involving running water, and even though this water is not running, maybe the reason your child hates baths so much is due to vampire biology.

Or maybe all kids just hate baths.

~oOo~


	4. Nocturnal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 1998. Reader and Alucard are both playing Pokemon Blue and slowly bond over the game. (No previous romantic relationship between between them. Assume a 2-3 week timeskip at each linebreak.)

~ Vampire Bites ~

"You're up late."

The voice sounds familiar but you can't quite put a face to it.

"So are you," you reply without looking away from your Gameboy screen for even the few seconds it would take to identify the speaker.

"I'm a vampire, what's your excuse?"

Oh, right. Hellsing's pet vampire. You haven't been sent on a mission with him yet, but you were formally introduced to him during your training.

"Me and sleep don't get along," you reply, still not looking up from your game.

A shadow cuts across your screen and you frown, holding the Gameboy up higher over your face so it will be in the lamp's beam.

The vampire who is looming over you asks, "What are you playing?"

"Pokemon," you reply, wishing he would go away and leave you alone.

"Which version?"

"Blue."

"Oh..."

"What?"

"I was going to say we should trade Pokemon, but I also have the Blue Version."

He sounds so _fucking_ disappointed that you actually look up from the game.

"We can still trade," you say. "If you've got a link cable, anyway. I don't have one."

"Yes, I have one."

* * *

 You're sitting across from each other, the link cable stretched taut between your two Gameboys.

"Trade me a Clefairy," Alucard says.

"No."

"You have three of them!"

"I have a strategy."

"You have a strategy that involves training three of the same Pokemon?"

"Yes."

He pouts.

"I haven't caught one and now that I'm in Cerulean City, I can't get back to Mt. Moon," he whines. "Just trade me one."

"You can get one later from the game corner in Celadon City."

"..... how much farther ahead of me are you?"

"Two cities, four dungeon crawls, or something like that," you reply. "There's no gym in Lavender Town. Now are we gonna trade or what?"

* * *

 You're sitting on opposites ends of the couch in the employee break room, playing your game in companionable silence, as has become normal for the two of you over the course of the last few weeks. Sometimes spontaneous bits of conversation break out while you're playing. Other times you don't say a word to each other until one notices the sun coming up and bids the other goodnight. (Surprisingly, that person is _you_ as often as it's Alucard. You'd think he'd be more aware of it, what with him being a vampire and all.)

"What did you name you rival?" you ask him, after just having been ambushed by yours outside Pokemon League.

"Walter," he replies. "What did you name yours?"

"I named him Assbutt," you say, and laugh.

A few moments pass in silence, and then...

"Wait... _Walter?_ " you say. "Isn't that the name of-"

"Hellsing's butler?" Alucard finishes for you. "Yes."

"..... should I even ask, or...?"

"I named my Clefairy after you, by the way."

* * *

 You're sitting next to each other on the couch, chatting about whatever random things come to mind as you go through the lengthy process of transferring all of Alucard's good or rare/hard-to-catch Pokemon onto your game. He trusts you to give them back once he restarts his save file to play the game over from the beginning. The two of you already went through this process with your game, and only had to wait until you caught enough Pokemon on your new save file to trade for all the ones he wants to keep.

"Why did you start playing Pokemon anyway?" you ask.

To which he counters, "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know," you say. "Playing video games doesn't seem like a very _vampire_ thing to do."

You regret the words as soon as they leave your mouth and for a moment you're afraid you've offended him.

Alucard lets out a heavy sigh and says, "You know I'm not allowed to leave the house without permission. I get _bored_. My master gave me the game to keep me occupied."

"Sorry I asked."

"No need to apologize."

"Curiosity is gonna kill me someday, I swear."

That gets a chuckle out of him. Maybe he's less offended than you thought.

* * *

 You're sitting next to each other on the couch, leaning against each other, looking over at each other's screens and giving unsolicited advice for every decision from what to nickname each caught Pokemon to what to keep on the team to how much leveling up should be done in a certain route.

As a result, every flying type on both games has been dubbed Hermes (including Zubat and Aerodactyl). You named a Jigglypuff after Alucard as revenge for him naming his first Clefairy from his previous save file after you.

"Aww, you named it after me," he says, when he sees what you've done.

"Yeah, cause it's... cute."

And that's not what you meant. This revenge was poorly thought out...

"Awwwww, you think I'm cute~" Alucard coos in an exaggeratedly sweet tone.

It's kind of late to deny it, since you already put it out there like that, so you just keep your eyes glued to your Gameboy as if you're concentrating on playing your game, even though he can clearly see that you're _not_ if he looks at your screen. 

* * *

 All concept of personal space has gone out the window. You lay across the couch with your legs draped over Alucard's lap, both absorbed in your games as you race each other to be the first to get your entire team leveled up to 100.

The level cap was something you hadn't discovered until your second playthrough, and now you're both determined to get a full team of level 100 Pokemon. You've made the accomplishment into a competition between the two of you. Winner gets bragging rights. Loser has to ask Sir Integra for permission for you to take Alucard out to see a movie.

You _really_ don't want to find out directly what the boss's opinion is of the fact that you're (kind of, sort of) dating the vampire.

~oOo~


	5. Safekeeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Established relationship, reader is a civilian (not a Hellsing employee) and gets put inside Alucard's coffin "for safekeeping" during an incident.
> 
> **Maybe don't read this chapter if you're claustrophobic.**

~ Vampire Bites ~

Somehow, the problems you face as a human who is in a relationship with a vampire are never what you would have expected them to be. Apparently sunlight isn't really a problem for him, other than being annoying.

He's bound in some kind of magical indentured servitude to the last heir of a famous family of vampire slayers, which is also troublesome... but again, not in the way you'd expect. Alucard's master doesn't like to let him leave the house very often for 'frivolous reasons such as social engagements' so most of your dates take place at the Hellsing mansion.

His room is in the basement, right next to the murder dungeon. Which is somehow less awkward than sitting through a five-course meal every time you come over because Sir Integra is too polite not to invite you to join her for dinner and you're too nervous to refuse the invitation even though you already ate before you came over, and you're almost certain that the reason Alucard doesn't step in to put a stop to this is because he enjoys watching both of you squirm as you bungle your way through the uncomfortable social situation which you brought upon yourselves.

Well, you guess it's not that bad. It takes an hour out of your day, and then you and Alucard fuck off down to his little room in the basement, right next to the murder dungeon. Where the two of you will watch a movie, or just talk about random bullshit, or sometimes just cuddle without talking.

Anyway, it's not like you don't know that Hellsing is a paramilitary organization, what with, ya know, the fucking murder dungeon and everything. So it's not _entirely_ surprising when the place comes under attack one time when you happen to be visiting your vampire boyfriend.

"Uh... hey. Awkward question. What exactly is that alarm?"

"Oh, we're under attack."

"... so, do you gotta go deal with that now?"

"I haven't received my master's orders yet, but I'm sure I will shortly."

He seems oddly calm about the whole situation, but then again he's an eldritch monstrosity who will definitely live through whatever is going on right now. You, on the other hand, are just an average human being with a minimum wage job, and no combat training of any kind.

"So... what about m-" 

Your question turns into a shriek of surprise as Alucard suddenly scoops you up. He carries you across the room and dumps you into his coffin.

"Don't worry, you'll be safe in here. No one but me can open the lid."

"Wait, you're shutting me in here? _No, don't close the lid!_ "

Too late. The coffin seals shut before you can finish voicing your protest.

"I'll let you out as soon as this is over," Alucard promises, and you hear his voice clearly somehow.

"Please hurry," you say.

Not that you're claustrophobic or anything, but you are sealed inside a literal fucking coffin right now. And that would mess with anyone's mind. You remain still at first, but quickly become aware of what an awkward position you're laying in, and shift around to try and get more comfortable.

You touch something dry and grainy, and at first you wonder how crumbs got in the coffin. Does Alucard eat in here? But wait, vampires don't even eat actual food. It's dirt. There is dirt in here. Probably grave soil since this is Alucard's final resting place.

Oh God, you really would like to be anywhere besides sealed inside a literal fucking coffin right now. Even if you are perfectly safe inside the supernaturally reinforced coffin of your vampire boyfriend.

By the time the lid finally creaks open, you've worked yourself into a fine state of panic.

"What took you so long?" you ask, as you throw your arms around Alucard's neck gratefully.

Your face is buried against his neck as he lifts you out of his coffin, but you can _hear_ the smirk in his voice as he says, "My dear, it has been _four and a half minutes_. I dealt with the situation as quickly as possible, since you did ask me to hurry..."

~oOo~


	6. Annoyed AF™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-Timeskip. Crack. Alucard learned about memes.

~ Vampire Bites ~

"Okay, which one of you tried to teach Alucard about internet memes?" you ask, glancing around the room to see if you can spot the guilty party.

As you spot the soldier who is shifting nervously, definitely the guilty person here, you hear Integra asking Seras, "What are internet memes?"

Seras does not get a chance to answer her, as the vampire is called into service to stop you from beating the ever-living shit out of the little asshole who taught Alucard about internet memes.

"Let me go!" you yell, not bothering to struggle since you know you can't break out of her hold. "He deserves the beating! He's not the one who has had to put up with Alucard obsessing over stupid internet memes! It was bad enough when he yelled 'Go eat a Tide Pod' at some kid over voice chat when we were on a raid but then he called him a 'scurvy knave' in the same breath and that was shocking enough before I realized he was mixing up phrases from different time periods on purpose because of a stupid tumblr post." You briefly pause your rant, and there is no sound in the room besides the sharp angry bursts of your breathing. "And as if that wasn't bad enough, he started dropping things like 'whomst' and 'blease' into casual conversation! And that's not even the worst part... he somehow heard of the fucking Big Titty Goth GF meme and decided to spring that one on me complete with shape-changing and-"

Integra makes a single sharp hand gesture and you fall silent, still seething.

"I think I've heard enough," the boss says. "Seras, let her go."

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek, mang, i just wanted to write dumb stuff about Alucard and internet memes.


	7. Do You Really Want To Be A Vampire?

~ Vampire Bites ~

"Alucard," you whine. "Turn me into a vampire."

"Why would you want to be a vampire?" he asks.

Ah, you knew it wouldn't be as simple as just asking to be turned. Of course he wants to know the reason, and if you're serious about wanting to become an immortal creature of the dark.

"Vampires don't have bodily functions, right?" you say. "I just... really never want to poop again."

Alucard snorts, trying to hold back laughter at your ridiculous declaration. Your eyes are closed so you don't see him move, but you feel his hand run lightly up and down your back.

"I know you've been sick lately," he says, "but if you were serious about wanting to become a vampire, I assume you'd have a more convincing reason than that."

"I'm serious," you say. "Do you even remember what having digestive functions is like? It's horrible. Pooping is the worst. It's disgusting. Peeing isn't great, either, especially when your body decides you need to go once every hour. Not to mention some _other_ bodily functions that I would be glad to get rid of..."

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about y'all, but yes that's seriously one of the main advantages I could see in becoming a vampire... pooping is gross.


	8. Any Incubi In The Club Tonight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "strangers in a bar" type scenario. Reader likes to party hard and pick up one-night stands at bars/clubs. Tonight you catch the attention of a certain vampire...

~ Vampire Bites ~

You roll up to the club wearing your favorite miniskirt and a t-shirt that reads _Are You An Incubus? Because There's An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet In My Panties_.

And yeah, you know that most of the guys who actually bother to read the terrible pickup line on your shirt are not going to be interested in what it's implying. Which is... kind of the point. Unfortunately, a lot of assholes don't bother to read.

Tonight doesn't seem like it's going to be your lucky night. You've already had two assholes who did read your shirt and then got mad about it. Like, why the fuck would they choose to stand there and yell at you about it, instead of finding someone else to bother?

You try to shrug off the encounters and enjoy yourself, but even though you're on the dance floor, you're not really feeling it. You start making your way toward the bar for another dose of social lubrication.

You swear you can feel someone's eyes following you as you go up to the bar and order your drink. You stand there and take a few slow sips of it, looking around casually to see if you can spot whoever is paying such intense attention to you, hoping that it's not either of the two assholes from before. (Or anyone like them, for that matter.)

When you catch sight of him, your first thought is _Whoa, tall!_

Your second thought is the refrain of that old song "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" playing several times in your mind.

He's standing halfway across the room, but seems laser-focused on you and you alone. As he beings to slink through the crowd toward you, you start to wonder if maybe you've attracted an _actual_ incubus this time.

Once he reaches you, he leans down to whisper in your ear, "What if I'm a vampire?"

Somehow you hear him over the music, even though by all rights it doesn't seem like he spoke loudly enough for that to be possible.

"I've got a vampire version of the shirt too, but I only wear it at a certain time of the month, you know. Since I figure that's when vampires would be interested."

And, hey, you probably shouldn't say that to stranger who has basically just told you he's a vampire (whether it's true or not you're not sure you believe him, even if you did suspect he might be a supernatural creature as soon as you saw the way he moved), but you've had a few drinks already so your carefully cultivated brain-to-mouth filter is pretty much deactivated at this point.

Luckily for you, the vampire seems charmed by your babbling, and he smiles at you, showing a hint of fang.

 _Well, it looks like he really is a vampire after all_.

"So, um, yeah," you say belatedly. "The offer is totally open to vampires too."

"I might take you up on that later," he says. "But for now, shall we get to know each other better?"

He patiently waits for you to finish your drink before leading you back to the dance floor.

~oOo~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~And they definitely banged afterwards, but I just wanted to write the part about the bad pickup line t-shirt, ok.~~


End file.
